Post traumatic growth

what Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14minutes taught me.

Grace and Letting go.

I never expected the result.

I thought its either i became a finisher with medal Or i Did Not Finish again.

Last year i failed at 58.8km due to bad weather and AMS. In regards of speed i was doing very well for my own standard.

So this year,

This year im prepared.

I trained intensively for a month and i went as far as taking AMS pill which i never did in my life.

So in regards of gear, i am well prepared, i got new shoes and new pole. I made a mistake with socks though i should've focused on preventing blister than cold...trust me no matter how strong you are, blister is like a dog bite that won't let go until you gave them a pat in the head.

However, thats the thing about failure...they haunt and dragged you. Last year's bad weather gives me somekind of trauma i almost decided to run with thermal inner for the 2nd part of the 107km. Gladly i didn't because it was rather sunny and calming sense in the race...doing a light run within the mountain, makes sure you stop, take breath not for picture though...just take your introspective moment of you doing a run at 80km overseeing the majestic mountain. Unless you're going for your personal best of course, no judgement there.

You are here, You are Alive, just appreciating life.

So back to the story, what lesson?

Grace and letting go.

I was rather grumpy en route to Paka view, i kept asking myself "why are you doing this for the 2nd time?you registered last minute that means you planned this as if its decision made on 'a sudden change of heart' or 'taking the leap of faith' style. So why are we here again?what are you trying to prove?.

Oh yeah....i was already mildly grumpy en route to Lobong-lobong. Uphill always gets the best of me.  You might think i like downhill then, its always like that right, our brain works in polarity.

Wrong!.

I was even grumpier at Liposu lama i was telling myself if uphill jalan menuju ke sorga then downhill are road made for the deads.

Have i try to look on the bright side during the run? I did.

Last year i was entertained by the kids selling drinks at the pineapple ridge.

This year i was amazed by the wonders and beauty of 'behind the scene: of ultra trail marathon'. The kindness of homestay owners, the joy of kids trying to show their English speaking skills, older locals helped to refill your water, long time friends doing volunteers greeted you and telling you, you're doing well with time. The lady who served pasta concern of your portion so you won't vomit and cameraman. Cameraman who patiently waited to give you the best angle regardless of your standard. As a winner or as a loser you get to see how you look when no one is looking.

Lastly about the bright side of things is the crew of TMBT. I seriously thought they were angels send by God when they offered me 100 plus that i thought they're selling when i already have no single sip of water left (just a side note if you're a type who drinks a lot please take more water en route Kibbas to Perkasa, they're no gerai for you to buy drinks)

It was 2 crew member who fill up my bladder and told me, that i can make it. That get me running again even with a powerful blister growing on my foot. Seriously its like i got this new magical strength to pursue with pure hope i can make it, that magical touch of hope sends me running uphill which my own mental limitation never expect me to do, it sends me going full speed at the finish line. It was Magic!

Thank you for the two crew members ; angels send by God.

Also...i didn't actually get his name. He is the friendly guy with big heart always greeting runner with a assisting demeanor. He gladly offer to take my drop bag when im already late and he is also the one who gave me a hug at the end consoling me crying and said repeatedly "you are a finisher, a finisher!". He is the epitome of a guy with the biggest heart.

So how did i learn Grace and Letting go.

Grace is stop being grumpy and downsize matters.

"Why am i climbing Paka?well its because those are the hills you look through your eyes in distance and having intrusive thoughts of wondering how did the farmers get to built their sulap waaayyy up there. So now you know!."

Why do the road to Liposu is not made walkable? Then you should learn to rephrase your question why does it call The Most Brutal Thing? The course race track is selected as a getaway for you to experience another side of life than the mundane route you jog flat next to the sea. In your case (yes im speaking me to me in this sense) if it really hurts your knee then maybe you should be more discipline with your knee strengthening exercise allocated time which always lose to hours and hours of scrolling tiktok. See...you know where problem is. 

If anger is grief's bodyguard. Grumpy is a side effect of procrastination on problem solving.

Being grumpy is creating excuses to self soothes your own self sabotage habit.

To be a finisher of 107km with the time set for is not what you do in that one month before race. It is what you're made of in your entire life or at least the entire year. You're a true ultra trail runner and success can determine that.

Life should not set at the end. I know some people had already figured their life out. Like, im gonna be a wife-a happy wife-the end. Or im going to travel the world-travel they do-the end. Setting life in the end works only if you are trying you manifest something. If you are out here to learn, be water.

Life...is like a jumpscare, a box of chocolate, a series of "whyyyy did this happen to meeee"

So no, we should not set our life in the end. I know that gives you success because of mental focusing and discipline but life, life offers you a series of events for you to learn to test out to discover who and what you truly are. It changes your plan till you come to a realization that there are way powerful energy than this whole planet earth can comprehend ; God the Universe.

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14 minutes awaken me that it is not always about bringing home a tshirt and a medal. Its what changes and awaken something inside be it attitude,limitation, realization or the inner side of you that you have been overlooking and avoiding perhaps your entire life.

About letting go, is your readiness to be free from your own mental limitation, of hanging on to false hope/belief and fear, basically.

I cannot remember how many times im going back and forth looking and picking for my glove as if the success of my life is solely based on that gloves rather than my own willingness to survive.

Thats what suck about attachment.

We see attachment as attachment, you love collecting things, your socks gives you comfort, your poles helped you through difficult routes, your power gel helped you stays awake. But these are things, while you are...a Giant within.

Letting go is make peace with yourself that, this is how your experience gonna be. You finished at the time set even without gloves. But, like i said thats the thing about failure it haunts and put limits into your head.

Failure is fear. Which also mean, i started this journey based on....Fear.

Not many of us realize, we are making decision based on a guideline set by our own fear.

Some people did not get married for the reason of fear of being disappointed by the other person. Some people fear of getting divorce that they never get the same intimacy from another human ever again. 

So letting go teaches us to unleash fear, let it roam. We are here to experience, not to control.

If i froze my hand at 80km so be it, thats just another lesson for me to experience which means, losing the gloves catapult me to new experience new realization of what im capable of.

Letting go means...let God handle it. Because letting go coincide with the existence of fixation ie attachment.

So, all in all. 

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14  minutes is it a good thing or a bad thing.

I give you an epiphany by Alan Watts.

"Expecting a positive experience is, a negative experience"

By having it positively that means your mental limitation still soothes your habits. Meaning they still support your delusion on how life should be (as i wrote earlier setting life on an end). 

By having a negative experience is; activating your inner power, make peace with your inner child trauma and limitation. Its a spiritual awakening 😊

So this is when we can say, its not bad its also not good, i even plan to stop running and sell or giveaway my running shoes.

But, after sitting with my feelings and got better sleep i realized...running is not my passion. My passion IS running. Me. I am in charge. Not my attachment ie running. Its discovering my true essence rather than just my identity ie my own unique vibration.

So, will i do it again?.

I can't say...like i said just try to live our life by not setting it on the end. 

Let me finish this writing with a quotes from Bruce Lee

"You put water in a bottle it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

Be teachable, even if it is you that is teaching yourself ; in my case its attachment .

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14minutes IS Post Traumatic Growth at its best😊