My sister delivered her new baby today, a girl which means she can stop having kids already since she had 2 boys earlier.
Thats our common conception, having children ideally in a set of both genders.
My sister had a different experience than mine. I had a boy and a girl consecutively. I am satisfied and seriously felt that my life is perfect. Im all set and done. Thats right, i should've stop. But...i went on and have another girl.
My friends laughed at me saying, "why?you have a set! should've stop"
I was supposed to! I took contraceptive pills too.
But, God has a plan.
I didn't understand it until 10 years later, which is today.
When i got pregnant with my 2nd daughter my whole world collapsed.
All my plans for the future sort of distorted. I never plan to have a 3rd child.
It was one of the darkest moment in my life from contemplating abortion to wishing God take her from me before being born.
I didn't hate kids, i love children. But i was so poor that time when i found out i was pregnant.
I was working on contract basis and bullied by permanent staff.
My (ex) husband took in a new car loan and purchased a property without consulting me resulting a financial crash.
I was devastated and it severely impacted my pregnancy.
I had allergies the whole 9 months and bitter taste in mouth until the 3rd trimester.
At its core, i was unable to make sense of my pregnancy.
I had post delivery complications like bleeding and prodromal labor.
I spent the last 10 days going back and forth to the hospital due to Braxton-hicks.
I was withhold from labor due to doctor personel shortage which i overheard having dispute over who get to take off day. There was only 1 doctor in charge of the whole ward that night.
I had real labor starting at 2am, i didn't dare to pee because im afraid she came out in the toilet so i held on until the doctor round the ward, which is at around 8am.
By that time i have lost my voice due to Lamaze breathing. I seriously thought im gonna die from childbirth.
When the doctor came around she realized my dilation is...9cm. Panicked she scream for labor transfer fearing baby suffocation.
At labor room the nurse told me i better push as hard as i can because my baby heartbeat is slowing down.
Hearing that i gave my all and delivered her safely however the hardship took a toll on me as i get postpartum hemorrhage and was given hypertension pills and extended ward stay for monitoring.
It was another struggle as my breast milk is not produced yet and my baby was crying hungrily all night.
She was born with flu-like condition possibly due to infection from airway opening through dilation.
She got milk formula allergy and her skin is sensitive to insect bites causing it to bruise and swollen.
She quickly contracted pneumonia 2 weeks before her 1st birthday.
She couldn't make a sentence at 3 years old and still baby talks.
She still couldn't read in kindergarten. Just days before her primary 1 school begins then...she finally able to read.
She is 9 now and recently received best student award in her class for Pendidikan Islam subject.
But thats not it.
Up till now, i never understand why. Why God gave me her since i already had a set of children and having her is a great struggle.
But today...i finally understood why.
When i had my two children i thought, that was it. Im on top of the world. I have everything and i was pleased and comfortable with myself. I didnt move, i was on autopilot a.k.a hanyut.
I wouldn't realized what i've been missing from my original mission.
Before i reverted i have a clear picture in my mind of what i want my life to become.
Its about being devoted to Islam and just...peace.
Peace, since that was what i never have since being born.
I was born in a chaotic household as my parents are heavily alcoholic with one being anti social and the other is diagnosed with clinical depression.
I have planned my marriage as my escape from my childhood trauma which obviously (my marriage) a placebo turned toxin.
But if i only have 2 children, i would never aware of its demise, i probably continue live life while slowly losing myself for worldly matters.
However my 3rd child, serves as cue call alarming that my marriage was failing.
How?
As the youngest, i was more concerned of her reaction towards the divorce.
Thus as the last resort to save my marriage i made her as an ultimatum for my ex husband to never neglect her as a final resolution to avoid the divorce from taking place.
It worked.
For only 2 months.
She was denied water, food and medication exactly as i was in 2017 when she's having a fever and left inside a car while the ex making arrangements for his brother's new car hand over.
So having a 3rd child is what save me from a disastrous relationship that almost cost me my mental health as i have been prescribed with anxiety medication.
God had actually sent help 9 years prior!...through hardship sans explanation or reasoning.
And it took me 10 years to understand since the day i found out i was pregnant of why oh why i have a 3rd child when i already have a set.
Therefore, Allah's plan is not easily interpreted but always the best. It took tears and confusion until one day it just finally clicked.
This is what it means to trust the process and ride the waves. And for some it may take a year or two, for some like me it took 9 years to come into full circle.
So dear me,
Maybe you're confuse why you still had this mediocre job that comes along with hardship of being transfered multiple times unwillingly, dealing with toxic work environment for 5 years, facing troubled colleagues causing extra workload, commute by foot to work under the sun and rain.
Take heart, things are unfolding until slowly it...clicked.
Amin☺️
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