why having a hater ; motivates us.

'He who wrestles with us, 

Strenghtens our nerves, and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper.'

-Edmund Burke-

photo as illustration : 2 friends at the back & our guide in the Himalayas. The said 'hater' is the one who took the picture while the other one in the background ; looking.

The challenges of competition can be stimulating and enjoyable. But when beating the opponent takes precedence in the mind over performing as well as possible, enjoyment tends to dissapear. Competition is enjoyable only when it is means to perfect one's skills; when it becomes an end in itself, it cease to be fun - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi-

lectiophile

I did ask myself....

What am i going to do with reading books, currently the genre im focusing on is spiritualism ie self development.

But i did ask myself,

Whats next?

I didn't plan to read to excel in spiritualism knowledge.

I am just 'being', making experiences along the way.

And what about the physical book...am i going to give it away?

Am i going to teach it to others?

I don't know.

But what it feels right now is i am on a right track.

Spending my time on reading rather than distracting myself from sadness.

Because in the end, everything is No-Thing ☺️

Suffering is optional

 

Today's lesson:

After waited for more than ½ an hour for that parking lot only to be overtaken by another car who came swiftly in.

 

First reaction is scrutinizing my own mistake ie what have gone wrong that caused the failure...i begin screaming at the top of my lung and crying too.

 

This is when the benefit of feeling your feelings came into power. You are disappointed with yourself, you are angry at the situation. Feel it, let it come *through* you and allow the serenity to come back in. As a final thought came in i decided, the main thing that i lost...is time.

 

Next thing i know, there's an empty parking lot just around the corner that i have pass through multiple time while waiting for the previous parking lot...its even closer walking distance to my office building.

 

So our mental state should not be thinking about what happened, what have gone wrong...instead, 

Its about...Surrender.

What you want no doubt is what is 'perfect' for you.

But what's for you may be far from perfect but its the best. Why? Because... its for you.

 

Take it ☺️

osamu dazai

a perfect representation of 'polarity'  

A story that makes you believe in God

My sister delivered her new baby today, a girl which means she can stop having kids already since she had 2 boys earlier.

Thats our common conception, having children ideally in a set of both genders.

My sister had a different experience than mine. I had a boy and a girl consecutively. I am satisfied and seriously felt that my life is perfect. Im all set and done. Thats right, i should've stop. But...i went on and have another girl. 

My friends laughed at me saying, "why?you have a set! should've stop"

I was supposed to! I took contraceptive pills too.

But, God has a plan.

I didn't understand it until 10 years later, which is today. 

When i got pregnant with my 2nd daughter my whole world collapsed.

All my plans for the future sort of distorted. I never plan to have a 3rd child.

It was one of the darkest moment in my life from contemplating abortion to wishing God take her from me before being born.

I didn't hate kids, i love children. But i was so poor that time when i found out i was pregnant.

I was working on contract basis and bullied by permanent staff.

My (ex) husband took in a new car loan and purchased a property without consulting me resulting a financial crash.

I was devastated and it severely impacted my pregnancy.

I had allergies the whole 9 months and bitter taste in mouth until the 3rd trimester.

At its core, i was unable to make sense of my pregnancy.

I had post delivery complications like bleeding and prodromal labor.

I spent the last 10 days going back and forth to the hospital due to Braxton-hicks.

I was withhold from labor due to doctor personel shortage which i overheard having dispute over who get to take off day. There was only 1 doctor in charge of the whole ward that night.

I had real labor starting at 2am, i didn't dare to pee because im afraid she came out in the toilet so i held on until the doctor round the ward, which is at around 8am.

By that time i have lost my voice due to Lamaze breathing. I seriously thought im gonna die from childbirth.

When the doctor came around she realized my dilation is...9cm. Panicked she scream for labor transfer fearing baby suffocation.

At labor room the nurse told me i better push as hard as i can because my baby heartbeat is slowing down.

Hearing that i gave my all and delivered her safely however the hardship took a toll on me as i get postpartum hemorrhage and was given hypertension pills and extended ward stay for monitoring.

It was another struggle as my breast milk is not produced yet and my baby was crying hungrily all night.

She was born with flu-like condition possibly due to infection from airway opening through dilation.

She got milk formula allergy and her skin is sensitive to insect bites causing it to bruise and swollen.

She quickly contracted pneumonia 2 weeks before her 1st birthday.

She couldn't make a sentence at 3 years old and still baby talks.

She still couldn't read in kindergarten. Just days before her primary 1 school begins then...she finally able to read.

She is 9 now and recently received best student award in her class for Pendidikan Islam subject.

But thats not it.

Up till now, i never understand why. Why God gave me her since i already had a set of children and having her is a great struggle.

But today...i finally understood why.

When i had my two children i thought, that was it. Im on top of the world. I have everything and i was pleased and comfortable with myself. I didnt move, i was on autopilot a.k.a hanyut.

I wouldn't realized what i've been missing from my original mission.

Before i reverted i have a clear picture in my mind of what i want my life to become.

Its about being devoted to Islam and just...peace.

Peace, since that was what i never have since being born.

I was born in a chaotic household as my parents are heavily alcoholic with one being anti social and the other is diagnosed with clinical depression.

I have planned my marriage as my escape from my childhood trauma which obviously (my marriage) a placebo turned toxin.

But if i only have 2 children, i would never aware of its demise, i probably continue live life while slowly losing myself for worldly matters.

However my 3rd child, serves as cue call alarming that my marriage was failing.

How?

As the youngest, i was more concerned of her reaction towards the divorce.

Thus as the last resort to save my marriage i made her as an ultimatum for my ex husband to never neglect her as a final resolution to avoid the divorce from taking place.

It worked.

For only 2 months.

She was denied water, food and medication exactly as i was in 2017 when she's having a fever and left inside a car while the ex making arrangements for his brother's new car hand over.

So having a 3rd child is what save me from a disastrous relationship that almost cost me my mental health as i have been prescribed with anxiety medication. 

God had actually sent help 9 years prior!...through hardship sans explanation or reasoning.

And it took me 10 years to understand since the day i found out i was pregnant of why oh why i have a 3rd child when i already have a set.

Therefore, Allah's plan is not easily interpreted but always the best. It took tears and confusion until one day it just finally clicked.

This is what it means to trust the process and ride the waves. And for some it may take a year or two, for some like me it took 9 years to come into full circle.

So dear me,

Maybe you're confuse why you still had this mediocre job that comes along with hardship of being transfered multiple times unwillingly, dealing with toxic work environment for 5 years, facing troubled colleagues causing extra workload, commute by foot to work under the sun and rain.

Take heart, things are unfolding until slowly it...clicked. 

Amin☺️

Post traumatic growth

what Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14minutes taught me.

Grace and Letting go.

I never expected the result.

I thought its either i became a finisher with medal Or i Did Not Finish again.

Last year i failed at 58.8km due to bad weather and AMS. In regards of speed i was doing very well for my own standard.

So this year,

This year im prepared.

I trained intensively for a month and i went as far as taking AMS pill which i never did in my life.

So in regards of gear, i am well prepared, i got new shoes and new pole. I made a mistake with socks though i should've focused on preventing blister than cold...trust me no matter how strong you are, blister is like a dog bite that won't let go until you gave them a pat in the head.

However, thats the thing about failure...they haunt and dragged you. Last year's bad weather gives me somekind of trauma i almost decided to run with thermal inner for the 2nd part of the 107km. Gladly i didn't because it was rather sunny and calming sense in the race...doing a light run within the mountain, makes sure you stop, take breath not for picture though...just take your introspective moment of you doing a run at 80km overseeing the majestic mountain. Unless you're going for your personal best of course, no judgement there.

You are here, You are Alive, just appreciating life.

So back to the story, what lesson?

Grace and letting go.

I was rather grumpy en route to Paka view, i kept asking myself "why are you doing this for the 2nd time?you registered last minute that means you planned this as if its decision made on 'a sudden change of heart' or 'taking the leap of faith' style. So why are we here again?what are you trying to prove?.

Oh yeah....i was already mildly grumpy en route to Lobong-lobong. Uphill always gets the best of me.  You might think i like downhill then, its always like that right, our brain works in polarity.

Wrong!.

I was even grumpier at Liposu lama i was telling myself if uphill jalan menuju ke sorga then downhill are road made for the deads.

Have i try to look on the bright side during the run? I did.

Last year i was entertained by the kids selling drinks at the pineapple ridge.

This year i was amazed by the wonders and beauty of 'behind the scene: of ultra trail marathon'. The kindness of homestay owners, the joy of kids trying to show their English speaking skills, older locals helped to refill your water, long time friends doing volunteers greeted you and telling you, you're doing well with time. The lady who served pasta concern of your portion so you won't vomit and cameraman. Cameraman who patiently waited to give you the best angle regardless of your standard. As a winner or as a loser you get to see how you look when no one is looking.

Lastly about the bright side of things is the crew of TMBT. I seriously thought they were angels send by God when they offered me 100 plus that i thought they're selling when i already have no single sip of water left (just a side note if you're a type who drinks a lot please take more water en route Kibbas to Perkasa, they're no gerai for you to buy drinks)

It was 2 crew member who fill up my bladder and told me, that i can make it. That get me running again even with a powerful blister growing on my foot. Seriously its like i got this new magical strength to pursue with pure hope i can make it, that magical touch of hope sends me running uphill which my own mental limitation never expect me to do, it sends me going full speed at the finish line. It was Magic!

Thank you for the two crew members ; angels send by God.

Also...i didn't actually get his name. He is the friendly guy with big heart always greeting runner with a assisting demeanor. He gladly offer to take my drop bag when im already late and he is also the one who gave me a hug at the end consoling me crying and said repeatedly "you are a finisher, a finisher!". He is the epitome of a guy with the biggest heart.

So how did i learn Grace and Letting go.

Grace is stop being grumpy and downsize matters.

"Why am i climbing Paka?well its because those are the hills you look through your eyes in distance and having intrusive thoughts of wondering how did the farmers get to built their sulap waaayyy up there. So now you know!."

Why do the road to Liposu is not made walkable? Then you should learn to rephrase your question why does it call The Most Brutal Thing? The course race track is selected as a getaway for you to experience another side of life than the mundane route you jog flat next to the sea. In your case (yes im speaking me to me in this sense) if it really hurts your knee then maybe you should be more discipline with your knee strengthening exercise allocated time which always lose to hours and hours of scrolling tiktok. See...you know where problem is. 

If anger is grief's bodyguard. Grumpy is a side effect of procrastination on problem solving.

Being grumpy is creating excuses to self soothes your own self sabotage habit.

To be a finisher of 107km with the time set for is not what you do in that one month before race. It is what you're made of in your entire life or at least the entire year. You're a true ultra trail runner and success can determine that.

Life should not set at the end. I know some people had already figured their life out. Like, im gonna be a wife-a happy wife-the end. Or im going to travel the world-travel they do-the end. Setting life in the end works only if you are trying you manifest something. If you are out here to learn, be water.

Life...is like a jumpscare, a box of chocolate, a series of "whyyyy did this happen to meeee"

So no, we should not set our life in the end. I know that gives you success because of mental focusing and discipline but life, life offers you a series of events for you to learn to test out to discover who and what you truly are. It changes your plan till you come to a realization that there are way powerful energy than this whole planet earth can comprehend ; God the Universe.

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14 minutes awaken me that it is not always about bringing home a tshirt and a medal. Its what changes and awaken something inside be it attitude,limitation, realization or the inner side of you that you have been overlooking and avoiding perhaps your entire life.

About letting go, is your readiness to be free from your own mental limitation, of hanging on to false hope/belief and fear, basically.

I cannot remember how many times im going back and forth looking and picking for my glove as if the success of my life is solely based on that gloves rather than my own willingness to survive.

Thats what suck about attachment.

We see attachment as attachment, you love collecting things, your socks gives you comfort, your poles helped you through difficult routes, your power gel helped you stays awake. But these are things, while you are...a Giant within.

Letting go is make peace with yourself that, this is how your experience gonna be. You finished at the time set even without gloves. But, like i said thats the thing about failure it haunts and put limits into your head.

Failure is fear. Which also mean, i started this journey based on....Fear.

Not many of us realize, we are making decision based on a guideline set by our own fear.

Some people did not get married for the reason of fear of being disappointed by the other person. Some people fear of getting divorce that they never get the same intimacy from another human ever again. 

So letting go teaches us to unleash fear, let it roam. We are here to experience, not to control.

If i froze my hand at 80km so be it, thats just another lesson for me to experience which means, losing the gloves catapult me to new experience new realization of what im capable of.

Letting go means...let God handle it. Because letting go coincide with the existence of fixation ie attachment.

So, all in all. 

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14  minutes is it a good thing or a bad thing.

I give you an epiphany by Alan Watts.

"Expecting a positive experience is, a negative experience"

By having it positively that means your mental limitation still soothes your habits. Meaning they still support your delusion on how life should be (as i wrote earlier setting life on an end). 

By having a negative experience is; activating your inner power, make peace with your inner child trauma and limitation. Its a spiritual awakening 😊

So this is when we can say, its not bad its also not good, i even plan to stop running and sell or giveaway my running shoes.

But, after sitting with my feelings and got better sleep i realized...running is not my passion. My passion IS running. Me. I am in charge. Not my attachment ie running. Its discovering my true essence rather than just my identity ie my own unique vibration.

So, will i do it again?.

I can't say...like i said just try to live our life by not setting it on the end. 

Let me finish this writing with a quotes from Bruce Lee

"You put water in a bottle it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

Be teachable, even if it is you that is teaching yourself ; in my case its attachment .

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14minutes IS Post Traumatic Growth at its best😊

synchronicities

baru semalam membebel to my kids sebap Mufi merajuk kena catu internet quota dia.

She was bawling her eyes out saying i hate her so i called her out.

As a naturally sarcastic person i begin to lecture,

"So if im giving you a reminder, advises, limitation and set of rules that ; your internet quota could last until the end of the cycle.....that means i hate you.

But if i let you use the internet until it reaches its limit before the end of the month causing you to run out of internet for the remaining few days and waiting in vain until the next cycle.....that's love?"

Love hurts and not,

Hurt in a way of setting boundaries, in a way of delaying gratification in a way of facing conflict upfront, in a way of expressing it opposing to courtesy and tactfulness.

But love does not hurt in a way of completing the big picture, drawing it is a lot of work considering funds and mental readiness but...that final picture worth the courage to face it head on.

Love does not hurt in a way...your loved ones manage to internalize the wisdom before time. 

Love does not hurt in a way that you did not let them loose of making mistakes. 

Love hurts and not.

Anyway...this morning this picture shows up in my newsfeed.

Delayed gratification is a form of love.

Sacrifice is love.

Courage, courage is love.

If im afraid my kids holding a grudge on me for my black & white rule of thumb, then i could never dare to let them feel uncomfortable.

But being uncomfortable, being triggered is a sign of change.

And change is hard work. A bloody hard work.

Back to last night, Mufi agrees that love hurts and not, kissed me goodnight and limit her internet usage this morning. As mother deal with it and hope for the best is our only choice.

Love hurts and not.

Basically life is a fusion of pain and remedy all mixed in a delicious hot soup broth that you sip during grey rainy days.

Have fun cooking and enjoy it to the last bit☺️

Concept : conscious uncoupling

never know what it is until i walk through it...guess i've manifested it.

The Light.

Growth is a lonely journey, 

whatever you do,

maintain your eyesight towards the light.

So you will be able to later step into the light and shine.

Until your embodiment of the light creates your shadow behind you,

That turn into memory, into lesson imprinted as your mark.

Your mark in this world,

That you exist,

And that...

you made the best of it.

Dimana pun kau berada.

Ambil waktu tuk mendengar qalbu mu berbisik menyatakan rasa yang perlu kau tenangi.

Atau, tangguhmu itu kan menjawab dengan kata berlangsir buat menyelindungi ronta.

Andai...kau berhasil keluar dari kemelut itu, maka ratakan galau itu dengan bingkisan hujah yang bernoktah.